Thursday, October 07, 2004

Losing my...? *Amended*

Photos at the least. But only one on purpose. I had a knee-jerk reaction to discovering that someone in Sacramento looked up "varinbird" on yahoo and found me. Seems likely to be someone I know and, gosh, I guess I do really rely on my anonymity to feel comfortable here. Ironically, to feel less anonymous to online friends, I posted my picture, but suddenly, the idea that someone who knows me could come strolling by and see me -- well, the feeling of exposure was too intense.

The moon photo that's usually in my banner I deleted in my haste to lose the photo of myself. Which seems, somehow, symbolic.

Because I wasn't ready to admit my physical "real" world into this one, D.'s the only one I've told I have a blog, but he has never asked to read it and I haven't offered him the address (and for those who are wondering, I consider it very unlikely it was him -- he's very respectful of my privacy). Further, a fellow blogger/friend recently invited me to meet her face to face and I declined, still unready for these two worlds I occupy to grow any less distinct. But why is the distinctness of the worlds so important to me? Why, really, should I care?

I haven't posted anything that isn't true. I guess it's just that I like presenting the truth carefully, catered to be maximally palatable to the appropriate audience. Not everything I've written here was written as carefully as I would say it to someone to whom it actually relates. The energy I put into all of that truth-catering, as I call it, is a tiring and probably ultimately fruitless -- not to mention (now that I'm staring it in the face) probably morally suspect -- effort on my part, however. At the least, it is not very "faithful" to my off-beat espoused theology, in which "G_d's will" for the world can only be realized when each of us authentically and unashamedly embody our unique combinations of talents and gifts.


I feel like I owe you guys an apology for having the knee-jerk response of going into hiding. It's probably myself to whom I owe an apology. Why would I hide from anyone?

I'll try to get the pictures back up soon. I just don't have time for it right now.