Friday, October 29, 2004

Ducky's Heart Beats!

And D. and I got to see it this morning! It was awesome! I am literally filled with awe.

It is still totally surreal to me that this little one is growing inside me, RIGHT NOW. Right now, Ducky is growing like mad, heart beatin' away in MY abdomen, as I sit here typing these letters...

[giddiness rush!!!] :-)))))

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

No news is good news

I'm well. Queasy when I get hungry, but not throwing up.

I have an ultrasound appointment on Friday --- and I'm trying not to make myself crazy with worry or impatience in the meantime. I want to see this little one growing like mad inside my abdomen!

I'm a hormonal stew of emotions, irritable, weepy, or giddy within seconds of each other, and exhausted a lot of the time. Plus, OW... Sore breasts.

D. is being fantastic, as expected. Very patient with me. He's still figuring out the whole "Don't fix it, just listen" part of support, but he's not missing a single opportunity to let me know he loves me and remind me... I'm PREGNANT.

I just can't get over it! It's wonderful.

Getting very little work done and quickly coming up on a major crisis because of it. It's just very hard to take it particularly seriously right now. It seems so irrelevant to everything. It is, however, good distraction from the agony of watching the clock and calendar...

Our little one -- for the meantime, I'll call her/him Ducky -- is 26 days old today. In other words, Ducky is just today developing eyes and arm buds... It makes me tired just thinking about it.

And very, very excited!

Monday, October 18, 2004

More Pregnancy News

And this time... I'm one hundred percent happy about it!

Happy Monday everyone!

I probably won't be posting again for a bit.

But in the meantime, have a wonderful, wonderful week!

The answer to your question is: Yes!

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Another pregnant friend

This time it's someone I work with and sometimes for.

Happy for her, jealous for me --- but at only 20 percent of the intensity as I felt it when I first learned about BF.

You know, honestly, I'm also just feeling more welcoming of whatever comes. How'd that go and happen? I don't know, but I'll take it.

I'll grab it with both hands and, now, hunker down to work.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


Someone found their way to my blog today while searching for "Esther and Snick!"

It never even occurred to me until right now that it is possible that there is some other "Esther and Snick" who don't circulate in same corners of blogland. I just thought it was kind of a funny pairing...

I mean, unless I'm missing something (and lord knows I could be) it just didn't strike me as a more obvious pairing along the lines of, say "Mmmmm and C.E." or "Aimee and Celti" or "Queenie and cbeck" or "Michael and Sloth" or even "Lovisa and Snick."

Instead, it struck me as a pairing more along the lines of: "Vadergrrrl and Morgan" or "AJ and Seeker" or "Jennifer and Todd Vodka" or "Inanna and Trisha," etc.. In other words, not as a necessarily incompatible pairing -- just not a particularly obvious one, either. In any case, it tickled me, as such things tend to. (Different orbit, remember.)

So, just thought I'd procrastinate a little and take the opportunity to give new visitors some links to visit.

p.s. When you do set up a blog, Snick, let me know and I'll add your link, too. No pressure or anything.

Let's All Be Friends

Okay, I'm burying my political post.

As Thomas Jefferson said, "Politics are such a torment that I would advise every one I love not to mix with them." (Advice he plainly took to heart.)

I almost went with a Gracie Allen quotation instead ("The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."), but I was afraid it might not convey the same spirit of "not mixing with" politics that I was going for. :-)

Some odds and ends:
I'm in a good mood today but I have too much real work to do the one thing I most want to do, which is finish the Dreaming story. I think it's fallen into place. Can't promise it will please all --- for those of you who even still care, but it's feeling right to me. I hope to get to it soon...

BF and husband come back from France tomorrow night. I'm looking foward to seeing her. Though I am also feeling confronted by AJ's recent post, to look more closely at how much of the tangly feelings I've been having about our friendship have more to do with not being willing to let her change. Not so much in terms of her becoming pregnant, but more in terms of the changing nature of the purpose she serves in my life. Is my heart big enough to love and treasure her friendship unconditionally --- no matter what its shape and course? I do believe so. But probably, I need to live in a better acceptance of my grief over having lost the friendship we once had, as well as make a better effort to understand and appreciate the friendship we have now. It's all still good. It's just not always comfortable or easy.

That's all I've got for now.

Monday, October 11, 2004

One Foot in Front of the Other

This weekend, D. and I drove to Reno to campaign in a swing state -- a place where people's votes are seriously going to matter -- for John Kerry. I thought we'd be going riding high on the heels of his decisive victory at the debate on Friday night -- seriously, I was cheering him on everytime he opened his mouth and outright laughing at the president's fumbles and defensive posturing throughout the debate (as were each of the people I watched it with, all of us sometimes even squirming for Bush, he looked so totally whupped to us). I could not have been more stunned, then, to watch CNN's follow-up coverage and hear that one of the undecided voters they had in the studio had decided to vote for Bush after that debate.

Actually, it scared me. It's more evidence of something that's made me uneasy since before the campaign season even heated up -- we really are two Americas right now. I do not understand, truly, I don't, coming to the conclusion that George W. Bush is more right for America after that debate than John F. Kerry. I think I've come a very long way in feeling less and less alienated from Bush's supporters, generally and personally. I get it that they just want what's best for the country, too -- but that we fundamentally disagree about what makes America so special, so important to defend, much less how to go about it. I try not to lose my cool when people tell me they're going to vote for Bush. I just ask them why.

And then I try not to rant back at them about how crazy it is to believe Bush is the right candidate.

After Friday's debate, rather than rant some more, we decided to try to do something to help get the right candidate elected. We got up bright and early on Saturday morning and arrived at the Reno campaign headquarters before 10a. They gave us a precinct map to canvass, with a list of registered voters who were likely to vote for Kerry or on the fence, in order to try to convince them to vote early (in NV you can start voting October 16 through the 28th in the general election, which is otherwise held on November 2nd) or by mail.

Supposedly, the campaign staff had already been to our precinct several times over the last year, but I doubt it. For one thing, most of our precinct was made up of very low income, huge and spawling apartment complexes. The kind of places where the staircases are rotting out, "porch" or outside lights are broken up, and everyone has multiple locks on their doors. Probably 50 percent of the folks who actually opened the doors to us had never heard of the person we had on the list; and of them, at least 1 in 3 mentioned that they'd moved in within the last three months. Second, two of the addresses were at a Vagabond Inn hotel. Needless to say, those people were no longer there either. I'd be curious to know if they ever were.

No one answered the door at 70% of the addresses --- which, if you're keeping up with the math means that about 15% of the time, we spoke to the person we'd been sent to find and try to convince to vote for Kerry early or by mail. It was long day in the sun. Our feet were aching by the time we were on our way home. I still feel tired.

But I'm very happy to report that of all of the people we talked to who were not already adamantly decided to vote either for Kerry or against Bush (by voting, obviously, for Kerry) --- and happy to do so early --- it really seemed like we did manage to make a difference. As a tag team, D. working the strictly rational arguments, and me working the emotional ones, our earnest friendly passionate appeals convinced several completely neutral people to lean toward Kerry, and some fence sitters already tending toward Kerry to commit to him. It was incredibly rewarding not only to feel like we'd "won them over" but, more, to feel a resurgent faith that people care about the things I care about: the integrity and protection of our Constitution, the environment, the looming deficit, the education and health care of our children, a safety net for the elderly and disabled -- and being smart, careful, conscientious (and honest!) about our use of force in the world.

In Nevada, the race might be won by as few as a 1,000 votes. Next weekend, we'll be pounding the sidewalk again, one foot in front of the other, to gather a few more.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Knock, knock

Who's here?


Thursday, October 07, 2004

For Our Godparents

we will be young when we are old
we will be dancing, dancing
the song still playing,
caught in the wind

we will be wild once
and once again
a riot of color and limbs
words and ideas
kindness and claim

we will be broken open
our shells abandoned to time
our small hermit selves
wholly reliant upon
a gentle welcome
in this world

we will be laughing
weaving technicolor fantasies
drawing them in closer
and closer
to hear the song
and the story
and to sit by our sides
and grow warm and hopeful

Losing my...? *Amended*

Photos at the least. But only one on purpose. I had a knee-jerk reaction to discovering that someone in Sacramento looked up "varinbird" on yahoo and found me. Seems likely to be someone I know and, gosh, I guess I do really rely on my anonymity to feel comfortable here. Ironically, to feel less anonymous to online friends, I posted my picture, but suddenly, the idea that someone who knows me could come strolling by and see me -- well, the feeling of exposure was too intense.

The moon photo that's usually in my banner I deleted in my haste to lose the photo of myself. Which seems, somehow, symbolic.

Because I wasn't ready to admit my physical "real" world into this one, D.'s the only one I've told I have a blog, but he has never asked to read it and I haven't offered him the address (and for those who are wondering, I consider it very unlikely it was him -- he's very respectful of my privacy). Further, a fellow blogger/friend recently invited me to meet her face to face and I declined, still unready for these two worlds I occupy to grow any less distinct. But why is the distinctness of the worlds so important to me? Why, really, should I care?

I haven't posted anything that isn't true. I guess it's just that I like presenting the truth carefully, catered to be maximally palatable to the appropriate audience. Not everything I've written here was written as carefully as I would say it to someone to whom it actually relates. The energy I put into all of that truth-catering, as I call it, is a tiring and probably ultimately fruitless -- not to mention (now that I'm staring it in the face) probably morally suspect -- effort on my part, however. At the least, it is not very "faithful" to my off-beat espoused theology, in which "G_d's will" for the world can only be realized when each of us authentically and unashamedly embody our unique combinations of talents and gifts.


I feel like I owe you guys an apology for having the knee-jerk response of going into hiding. It's probably myself to whom I owe an apology. Why would I hide from anyone?

I'll try to get the pictures back up soon. I just don't have time for it right now.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Where I Am


I'm here. Sort of. October's going to be another very very busy month for me at work -- starting as of last week, when I was traveling for several days. When I'm not traveling, I spend most of my workday in front of a computer and blogging (which I consider to be nearly equal parts posting to my own and reading yours) has become part of my daily survival ritual, but I need to cut back again. I'd say I'll do more in the evenings or on the weekends, but really, I tend not to be in the mood to be in front of the computer after a full work day or week. It won't be like August, but October will most likely find me with a lower profile in blogland than September.

And, I'd hope this goes without saying: I'll be missing you.

In the meantime, I am starting to get glimmers of where the Dreaming story goes (nope, it's not done) so you can expect to see that up here soon(ish)...

Happy Monday to you! May your week be golden.